im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize