you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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