Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
