At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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