my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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