she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
