sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
