five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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