so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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