Well apparently he's into motor boating.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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