I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Please don't give away my fajitas
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