i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
