Im at strip club and am horny
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize