before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
