She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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