i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
