: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
