the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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