i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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