i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
