So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
