you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
