I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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