Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
