Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
