Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
