Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
