We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
