After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
