A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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