yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
