We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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