I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think brook has ever known best
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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