Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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