I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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