last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
