He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
