I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
