can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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