she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
