He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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