I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
