Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
