Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
