Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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