I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
