He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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