Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
