I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
