the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
