meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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