Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
