$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
they need to just BURY HIM!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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