he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
