there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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