he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
