all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
