Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
