Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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